The Evolving Family

Reality is change and change is evolution. In every sphere it is the only constant. The omnipresent joint family of the post is slowly altering its very face. It still does exist, inmany families it is the only way people live or are expected to live , but with the shriming globe, relocation and travel being a part of everyday life, slowly, surely the system is giving way. Another aspect that is changing the family is the fact that education and awareness have become a part of the present day woemn's upbringing. While in the past, right from her childhood, the Indian woman was taught skills and crafts that would make her a good housewife but the world beyoned the threshold was not open to her. She was told that the home of her birth was just a temporary phase, and she would have to nurture another family after marriage. The brothers and sisters she loved and grew up with, would be replaced by others in her matrimonial home, and she was expected to treat those'others' them with equal love and respect, if not more. Once she married, her lot was the kitchen and the home. It was her duty to keep both clean. The extend family had to be fed on time, their laundry washed and their needs looked after. A 'good' daughter-in-law always put the family before self. Her needs came last. And in most cases, she was happy doing all of this to the best of her ability.

'That is changing,' says one '21st century' wife and mother, who has been married for over 15 years now and has had an experience of both family systems. During the years she lived in a joint family, she rarely ever got to see her husband and communicated with him even less. He was just'there'. 'It did get stifling at times,' she confesses. So when her husband's job profile changed and he had to move away from the confines of the family, her first feeling was one of relief. She could finally have a say in the way her house was decorated, she could cook anything she liked without a thought of what the rest of the family would think. Suddenly, she grew wings.

'My husband and I were like a pair of honeymooners. For the first time in seven years I actually had all his attention to myself, and we both bloossomed, grew, became friends,' she says. 'One days when the erratic help did not turn up, he would pffer to help. While he cooked, I would do the dishes...it was fun.'

The flip side of that freedom though was whenb she felt the need to work. Had she been in the joint family, she could have lieft the kinds without a thought, and her willing in-laws would have looked after them. 'Suddenly, there was nobody I could leave my tiny kids with. Everywhere I went, they came along too. It was a bit like Mary and her little lamb, except that I had two.' That was when shw really missed the family. 'And during festivals. We became so lonely. It became a chore cooking all those goodies for just the four of us.'

Then again, she finds her husband and the kids bonding a lot more than they would have had the family continued to live with all the in-laws. Sundays are special. 'We sleep in late, our breakfast is more of a brunch. Sometimes we might take in a movie, and snack on popcorn, or simply leave the house, checking our what is available in the shopping malls.'

What then is the role of the woman? She has grown into more than just a provider of physical needs. today's woman plays many roles. She is 'mom', 'friend', 'manager' 'banker' and 'gofter' all rolled into one. 'All is not bunky-dory with me and the roles I am expected to play,' she is frank. She does feel like throwing it all up sometimes and going off on her own. 'I let my displeasure show, and the familybacks off for a while. Sometimes, time and money permitting, we take off on a short holiday, and it doew all of us good.'

What do men feel about the changing face of the family? Quite a few husbands who play typical roles at home in the larger family situation, promise their wives that they would help around the house if ever they were to live alone. But within the context of a joint family they feel shy about stepping out of their traditional role. The nuclear family does contain the possibilities of deeper and closer relationship between spouses and children. Bhavana Chandok has always lived in a joint family. 'To me, my says, simply.

Her nesting instics were strong. 'The only thing I wanted when I got married was to start a family.' Bhavana's first child Ishann, now eight, was born withina year of her marriage. After the birth of her second son, Dhruv, Bhavana began getting restless. 'I wanted to do something for myself,' she confesses. It was here that her in-laws and husband Ashish stepped in. They encouraged her to go ahead and set up her business of baking cakes. It was Somet hing she was good at. 'My mother-in-law after the kids. 'Just do it,' she told me.' Today, five years later, Bhavana's cakes are well received, and the creative urge withinin fulfilled. A chatterbox, Bhavana talks nineteen to the dozen, and makes her husband listen to every little detail of her day. He, though is slightly reserved, has to be coaxed into talking, something Bhavana does effectively. 'Hats off to my in-laws,' is Bhavana's signoff line. A demonstration of the incredible strength and support of the joint family meeting the 21st century head on!.